The faint sun, lit in the slow splashing waves of the sea, a pleasant day to be in the beach. With the sea breeze rustling my long jet black hair that it rhythmically flows together with the wind. The cool feel of the sand underneath together with the soft rolls of salt water tops the whole experience. Sitting at the shore watching and contemplating under the sun's retiring moment of the day, deep in thought, I was.
The Christmas Holidays is looming near and classes are reaching to an end, I barely took each day seriously as any 21 year-old would-be-mature-individuals should have. Chosen to attend a national convention that will be held in the country's capital, meeting new people, and the first chance to go away from all the usual holiday experiences—where I usually get frustrated making me wish the whole season to hurry and get it over with. I am excited.
Days passed unnoticed from the struggles of booking cheap plane tickets to nonstop follow-ups of solicitations enough to pay the registration, tickets, and other finances for the whole trip—a dreary experience unlike floating in midair. Fuzzy and unsure are my actions through it all, a continually-pinching-myself event to find out whether I'm just dreaming or what. Two days until the flight.
My flight is 3pm today and I want to see Bo before I go. "You can come here and help us after your class," I keyed in the illuminated LCD screen of my cellular phone at hand while talking with a friend in the pub office where I have been working until the break of dawn most of my college days. "Ok, I'll try," he sent back as reply leaving the longing to thrive. I quickly got back into folding the paper in my hand tucking it securely in a book while placing the cellular phone inside my bag with the other, a smile hanging on my face, having the assumption that he will surely come and say goodbye and I'm going to give it to him, the paper. Four hours before the flight.
Waiting until the last stretch of hour, the clock struck one. “I must go,” I thought. “I need to go or I’ll be late for my flight. “Bo’ll never come…This is supposed to be my last time seeing him.” I said my goodbyes to everyone with a heavy heart. “Bo didn't come.” I shrugged away the thought of him and made my way through the airport runway together with the crowd anxious, longing, and cold, walking toward the plane of fate untold.
"Girl, I sent Bo a message that you're already with us,” said Ro, one of my girl friends in the convention, when I entered the room getting a good book to pass time before the next speaker do her thing.
“He also told me not to teach you things 'coz you're still a child and I'm an addict," she added. She's one of the many whom I with Bo befriended when they came to our place, also for a convention. I was kind of shocked and wondered why he told her those things. I read the message to make certain, but still I don't know what made him say those. Is it because he thinks I'm a bit ignorant of things or is it because it’s something else….
My mind often wonders, fleeting back and forth to the thought of him, even with Ji’s sweet advances and gentlemanly acts to me in the course of the convention. I didn't mind him much, the guy who boldly confessed his affections to me before when we first met. He's cute and I like him, but I can't be myself with him. It seems as though I'm not me. I do what they expect me to do, the one thing I often do with almost everyone, and it’s a trait I greatly despise. I want to be myself, as I am with Bo.
After the whole convention, a party was held for all Guilders—the participants basically. We drink, eat, talk, debate, laugh, flirt, and cry. Smiles embedded in every picture taken, the camera shows, but beneath my smiles is a mixture of emotions. Sad for I'm leaving the Guilders by 8am, longing for supposedly one of the rare occasions of gathering all my courage to reveal something to Bo, and glad for the next day I’ll be seeing my family again at last.
"Mum, can I please go to the beach with some friends for our reunion?" Unfortunately, Mum wants me to stay home thinking that such friends in that reunion is not worth my time. I sadly turndown their offer to fetch me, reasoning that Mum needs a hand on some stuff at home. It worked though convincing them, pleased that now I'm actually honoring my mothers request unlike when we were younger. Also, Mum is pleased to see me stay home. I on the other hand am poignant. I try reading my books, to be productive but often Mum calls me to stay in our living room, wanting to make me watch television, wanting me to eat even if I don't want to, basically wanting to see my every activity. Caged, condemned, I am feeling. My only pleasure is when all the lights are out and I drown myself in the books I bought at a book sale from the trip. I thought of Bo in those books from time to time. "I still need to borrow Bo's book before graduation or it will be too late. I will not see him again. A loss of connection," I told myself while reading his Christmas text message, "…but you were still there…," he sent. I am happy.
Returning from the holidays, I took time sitting and reading the newspaper at the pub. Ni, the only friend who knew about my affection towards Bo, came in and sat next to me to write something. Unfortunate for both of us, we ended up sharing secrets. I wore tight shorts topped by a fashionable blouse with shades of blue and brown, trinkets of elaborate blue green and russet dangling earrings and brown anklet, match-up with blue sandals in two inched heels and brown shades holding my hair in place behind my ears. I told Ni about Bo's message thinking it meant something but unfortunately he also received the same one last Christmas. It is heartrending but I half expected it. So, I shove off the feeling and continued my reading. Feeling thirsty, I went outside to drink. Upon coming back, I stood next to Ni reading through the article he is writing. "Ei, you’re here," Bo suddenly called back from behind. I turned and he's already a foot away from me slowly enveloping my shoulders into his embrace. "You look like a movie star today," he whispered as I circled my arms around his waist embracing him in return. "Really? Thank you," I softly answered.
"Lo, from the people we work with, who in your opinion will you pick to match me?" Lo is my friend at work who declared to be my little sister. "Bo…I like you both together," she immediately answered. "Why so?" intrigued and curious if she noticed my affection to Bo in any way. "You both have chemistry. And I like it when your together it seems like both of you really enjoy being together." Bemused, amazed, and pleased, our conversation at my favorite coffee shop ended with her as the second person who knows my feelings for Bo while I'm left in cloud nine.
Briskly walking from class towards the pub then jogging to the office building for work is really a task to bear. Not to mention the heart-wrenching feeling made from the bloody proposal paper returned by our guileless teacher accusing our group to be lazy just because of an ignorant mistake made, I am stunned. Realizing that there was nothing I can get from the office, I walk listlessly back in the pub, Bo came. A little later he bade everyone farewell and made his way. In sudden volition, remembering something important to tell him, I called out to talk to him. "What are you going to do here?" wondering why we're now in front of the sea after feeding him the information I want to tell him. "I just wanna look at the waves," drawing a smile at the same time. I smiled at his simple pleasure. "Where are you going now?" Childishly answering back, "to eat. I'm going to eat lunch." "Where?" With puckered lips I said thoughtfully, "hmmm, no specific place in mind, somewhere downtown." We found ourselves walking with each others company, "let's go together then. I'm also going there to take a look at something."
Talking about different things along the way, the walk was short. "We're already near the shop. Have you decided where to eat? Sorry I can't eat with you." Spontaneous as the splashing of the waves, "I'm buying some coffee downstairs. Come." We went to the coffee shop stopping at the entrance to say goodbye and go his way. As he left, the pleasure slowly went into the drain. I felt the heaviness, thinking once again of my bloody proposal paper. The warmth and lightness he made was now dampened by longing and loneliness.
Solitary sitting at the center, I scribbled things in my planner, seeing through the red markings of my paper, and sipping a cold Americana when suddenly someone called me from nearby. Black and white cap, green shirt, brown shorts, and slippers, it was Bo, waving goodbye. I wave back smiling while sipping my coffee, delighted to see him before really leaving some place else. Immediately, I resume to what I am previously doing, contemplating. A moment later, again someone called. I looked up to see Bo, calling again. I wondered why he is still there. "Are you really going to eat your lunch there?" speaking a tone higher than before for me to hear him against the rushing people between us. "No, just having some coffee to keep me awake." He is now walking slowly nearer to me, quietly saying, "Let's eat together. Is it okay?" "I'm good," sipping the last drop of coffee off the glass. "And, if you don't mind, can you help me choose—a ring—upstairs? For second opinion," with his eyes smiling, how can I resist? But really I didn't mind.
We can't stop talking, or I can't stop talking with him. It seems as though I'm unconsciously being who I am when with Bo. Well saying this now, I can say I consciously am being who I am with him. He honors my opinions in deciding on the ring for him and praising my fashion ABC's on accessorizing even if it is merely my fashion instincts instructing it. We walk through the ladies wear section and I found a really cute brown halter top with a white spaghetti strapped blouse on one of the stands we are stopping. "I really like this, it's cute, though—." "It suites you," he said cutting my statement short. "Really?! I also got a picture taken wearing one. It's in my phone." "I saw it. It's also brown," I don't really know how to react. It made my cheeks warm though. He really likes doing things that amazes me.
"I really wonder why people just can't forget me easily. My teachers, even classmates I didn't know I had. Maybe I just do things differently, right?" "You have this trait that blocks out all others," he said thoughtfully with certainty as we were waiting for our orders. I didn't actually know how to answer him hearing those words though it once again warmed my cheeks and sounded off an alarm that immediately food was served giving me a way to put off the conversation. Our lunch is sprinkled with talks of each of our future especially his. I often ask and he answers. He amazes me of his acts of concern and care, making me feel special and a woman, "Be careful the soup's hot." It is a memory to be treasured, I decided.
"The book?" I answered back quizzically. "My friend still hasn't returned it, so if you like you can borrow this book first before the other. I assure you it's really a good book. You'll love it." Taking the book in his hand, looking at its cover, I was leaning against his table next to him. "Here, read the synopsis," turning the book over and reading aloud its synopsis. My mind is racing while he reads. "Connection, still I can see him," gladness filled my heart realizing this fact in mind. "I can still tell him, I can still give him the paper."
Days pass, its killing me, the pressure of schoolwork against everything that is to be done. We seldom see each other so I don't know how to give it to him or even say it. I never reveal my feelings to people I like. I never have told anyone my affections. I can't even directly say I love you to my own dad and now, risking all these memories I had treasured in the depths. What to do, I really don't know. What I know is just to give the paper and that is all. An idea came to me, “the book…I can insert the paper in the book upon returning it. Just like the book mark I gave on his birthday,”
"No, scrap that thought. I'll give it to him personally, letting him read the paper and then I'll leave him to remember and decide. That is what I am going to do and this will be the day," sitting on the benches watching men playing the usual afternoon soccer until the suns rays are enveloped by darkness, I am thinking.
"Bo, there is something I want to give you. Read it please. I just want you to read it," handing the paper I have been hiding for long from him, from me. I saw his eyes move from left to right, reading the story I have written. I saw the widening of his pupils as he read every word, drinking every thought and line, perusing. I don't know what will happen when he read the lines, "I don’t know if you remember, but I want to tell you that I…." He suddenly look at me with a gaze so strong, I looked away to the splashing of the waves.
"Ki, what are you thinking? You dazed out watching the sunset again," Bo said as his hands gently touched my left cheek, looking at me smiling as he lie on the sand with his head on my lap. "What are you thinking," he repeated. Clasping his hands in mine, I smiled down at him and gently pressed my lips on his warm hands with a light kiss, "I just thought about how it all started, the story I made, about us. What if I didn't—," He slipped his other hand unto my head, pushing me to lean slowly down at him. Cutting my sentence short, he let our lips touch and kissed with passion flourishing from within.
A light tap on my shoulder jerked me off my thoughts. “Ki, it’s already dark. You’ll get colds…here. Let’s go inside,” Bo handed me a towel to warm myself from the cold sea breeze as we walked towards the cottage under the beautiful starlit night.
